no more.

The video has been on loop since she came to show it to her. She switched off the TV and turned to grab her bag. She left the keys by the dresser and put on her old tattered sneakers, kicking outside the new ones he bought her. She doesn't want anything to do with him anymore.

She dragged her luggage across the courtyard and headed to the band's rehersal room.

"Hey, Mrs Band Leader! Heard you guys got engaged last night!" T yelled as she entered the room. She grimaced. Didn't know what to say. The very thought hurts. The lies that he told. She couldn't believe she didn't know. She never should have let her guard down. Because this is what happen when you did. Choosing emotions over practicality. How stupid.

"Hey guys," she gave a weak wave to the rest and head over to G. G was her best friend. The person she ran to when things are bad. When she was confused about her relationship with him. G was the one who looked after her whenever the both of them fought. G was like her brother.

"I'm leaving. Just wanted to say thanks. I'll see you around," she said and leaned forward to hug G who was sitting on the sofa, frowning over some papers. G grabbed her arms as she turned to leave, a look of concern on his face. Tears threatened to escape her eyes. She blinked them away and forced a smile onto her face.

"See you guys around! Jana!" she chirped as happily as she could mustered and ran out of the room. The cab she called for was waiting down the driveway. She grabbed her luggage and walked towards it.

-

He whistled to himself as he came out of the band's manager room. The tour details are confirmed! She accepeted his proposal. They are getting married! Things couldn't get any better. He smiled to himself and walked back to the rehersal room.

"Hey, babe!" he yelled as he spotted her coming out of the room. She ignored him and grabbed her luggage. Wait, luggage? Where is she going? He quickened his footsteps and called out to her one last time. When she didn't reply and start to walk even faster, he ran towards her and grabbed her arms.

"Where are you going, babe? What's going on?" he asked.

She turned around and the look on her face was one mixed with hurt, anger and hatred. She glared at him and shook his hands off her arms. Turned around and continued walking.

She knows. She knows everything. How or why, he didn't know. He panicked. He hurt her. Just when she trusted him. She found out and she's leaving. She's leaving. For good. Forever. He reached out to grabbed her arms again but this time, only got her left hand.

"Don't go. I'm sorry. It was just that once. Just that once. I'm sorry,"he begged and hoped that she will listen to him. He couldn't lose her. Not after everything they have been through.

"Once? Don't lie. I saw it with my own eyes. Many times. What was that you called me? Unstable. Ugly. Frigid. Let go of me." she whispered fiercely. Not turning around to face him.

"They are lies. She made me say them. Don't go, please. I love you!" he muttered, holding on to her hands tightly.

"Love?" she turned around and looked at him. "Obviously, that's not enough to stop you from sleeping with her. From lying. From everything." Once again, she shook his hands off and this time, she took out the ring he gave her last night. The very first time they had made love and she told him that she loved him. She took out the ring and threw it at him.

"I don't need your lies," she said as her voice began to break. Memories of last night, of their time together flooding into her head, mixed with images from the video. The video of him cheating. She ran to the cab and told the driver to start driving. She has no idea where she is going but first, she needs to get out from here. To a place where she can cry.

-

He bent down to pick up the ring and held it tightly in his hands. So tightly that his fingers cut into his palms, drawing blood. He didn't care.

He walked to their room. No, it's his room now. The place emptied of all her belongings. Of all the cozy little things she likes. Photoframes were emptied of pictures. The shoes he bought her, lying on the floor. And right in the middle of the coffee table, a box filled with pictures. Pictures that they took together. Pictures that are cut up. With her removed.

too much.

sometimes, it gets a bit too much.

the constant search for something you like to do. the constant need to have a reason for everything. it hurts a little too much when your good intentions, turned out to harm another. to learn that the people whom you trust the most are taking you for granted. that there is no way out of your situation, yet you do not wish to conform.

there comes a time when the cognitive dissonance becomes too much. and after prolonged period of ranting to friends and anyone who would want to listen, you start keeping things to yourself. you really don't wish to talk about it. you keep everything to yourself, hoping and praying that perhaps, you might find a solution. you start doing circles in your head.

and that's where she find herself these days. growing quiet. growing silent. thinking of giving up the very thing that she loves to do the most - photography. why? because everytime after she shoots, the problems will flood back. and the bite is 10 times more than before.

she sits at the bus stop, watching as the last bus drove pass her. it's way past the time for her to go home. a 30-minute walk home, just turned into a 2-hour walk. the songs her mp3 is playing is just background music. kinda like those music they play in the shopping malls. random noise.

night joggers ran passed her. many turned and took a second look at her. she shouldn't be out this late. at this deserted stretch of road with construction going on.

but she couldn't bring herself to leave the bus stop. she loved the way her hair flies when the cars zoom by. loved the flashing lights of the cars. the noise the cars made when they zoom. love to imagine a story for each car. it was a temporary distraction. to distract herself from her thoughts.

and at this bus stop, she's nobody. not someone whom everyone counts on to be responsible. not the middle child that has to deal with everything. not the girl who is always expected to be happy. not the girl whom has to keep her emotions in-check. she's nothing. no strings, no responsibilities.

her handphone rang for the umpteenth times. not the person she hoped that will call. she looked at the number and for the umpteenth times, press the off button and threw it back into the bag.

she stares off into the distance, looking at the fresh wave of cars that's going to come when the traffic lights turn green. perhaps, maybe. this wave of cars will bring her troubles away.

Just that paragraph.

She pushed back her chair, stood up and walked quickly out of the room. Quick enough to get her out of there but not enough to draw attention. The wind hitting her legs and pushing her hair back. Those used to make her feel confident. But not anymore. Not when she was trying not to let the tears fall. So many impressions to manage. She couldn't take it anymore.

He stood up and walked over to where her date was sitting. "Go after her. Whatever you just did or said, it won't matter after that. Just go, " he whispered urgently in his ears while smiling at the rest of the guests at the table.

The date shook his head and waved him away. He stood there shocked. No idea what to do next.

(whatever. time to switch off the lappy and read.)

the laughing care.

"Stop it!" I yelled and reached my hands out to swipe him.

He took a step back, just out of my reach and continued to shrug his shoulders and turn his head from side to side. The very actions that I cannot do right now. URGH!

I grabbed the nearest book and threw it at him. Wrong move! I yelped in pain as he came running towards me.

"You okay?" he asked as he rubs at my shoulders, attempting to ease that "bundle" of muscles and the pain. His attempt to hide his laughters failing. Biting his lips to kill the smile that is threatening to creep onto his face.

I pouted at him and that made both of us burst out laughing.

"Silly girl," he whispered and pecked me quickly on the lips. As the laughter died down, we sat there looking at each other. His hands cupping my face, looking at me. His expression unreadable. The silence was nice but at the same time, I'm afraid of what's going through his mind. Afraid that those thoughts will bring an end to things.

"You do know that I can't move my head so you are going to lose in this little staring 'competition' that we have going on right?" I joked and stick my tongue out, poking his cheeks.

That disrupted his thoughts and a huge grin appeared on his face. "Whatever! You still can't do this!" he teased as he got off the sofa and started running in circles around me, dodging left and right.

I glared at him and growled before collapsing in laughter on sofa.

This is just what I need. Someone to laugh at my neck with me. To show concern and yet let me know that, "hey, it's no big deal". the laughing kind of care. it's that kind of care that got me through my leg cramps. and it's that kind of care that will get me through this neckless period.

the last summer (of you and me).

(the title has nothing to do with the post)

As she lay her head on his chest, he wrapped his arms tighter around her and tugged her feet under his. The familiarity of her smell - a mix of baby shampoo and soap. Her hands and feet are cold like always.

He pulled the covers tighter around them, making sure that her entire body was covered. It doesn't matter that means he is half-covered and that his nose will start running soon. As long as she's warm, no leg cramps will hit her and maybe finally she can sleep properly.

Her breathing slowed to a steady pace, the pounding of her heart is now a gentle thumped. She's asleep. He held her hand up gently to the light and see the ring sparkled. The ring she initially refused to wear. The ring that showed that she is beginning to trust him.

He was elated when he saw it on her hand. But as what he did the previous evening when they fought flooded back. All he can do is pray. Pray that what he had done will be kept a secret. If not, he will end up hurting her. The very thing he wants to protect.

She rolled off her chest and shifted to her side of the bed, giving him room to stretch. But tonight, he don't want that space between them. He moved closer to her and spooned.

a blue beautiful day.

sometimes, the hustle and bustle of life gets too much. everyone seems to be going after something. but what? a job, a career, wealth? do they really know where they are heading? why they are doing it? i don't think so.

but crowd effect occurs. because everyone around me seems to chasing after something, i joined in the race. but self-deception doesn't work for me. i got tired.

"You okay?" he turned his head and asked. Stretching himself and sitting up.

I nodded and forced a little smile before turning my attention back to the clouds that are passing by. A rare sunny day. A rare day that I have with him. Running errands with him, just sitting around and not feeling the urge to speak.

I may appear noisy, chatty, outgoing and airhead-ish. But sometimes, I just feel the need to be quiet. Not alone though. I would like to have someone beside me while I go wandering with my thoughts. Occassionally throwing out random comments.

That's why I am glad that I found him. He is the stand-in while she's overseas. I miss her!

"Look! A running rabbit!" I exclaimed and pointed to a cloud. He turned and gave me a funny look. I stretched out my legs and kicked him.

I know he finds it totally pointless and a waste of time to just sit here and stone. Yet, he knows that it will help me get over my lousy mood, so yeah.

- random picture that popped into my head. even though the first 2 paragraphs reflect actual feelings -

been a while.

"Hey," she said as she climbed into the car. The awkwardness creeping in, surrounding them. The anticipation, the knowledge that something will happen later. It hanged in the air.

She started singing. It seemed to be the only common ground. She didn't know what to say. Scared of saying something stupid. And he started whistling. No conversation. But yet, the awkwardness is ebbing away. His hand slipped over and grabbed hers. She smiled.

And so the game begins. This awkwardness that will be missed. Because it reeks of excitement. Because it's forbidden. This anticipation that will be missed. Because once it's gone, it's just plain old routine.

caught up in the madness to grow up. everyone seems to moving at an amazing speed. getting jobs and moving on. i think i feel safe when i am with you. but thats not right either.