too much.

sometimes, it gets a bit too much.

the constant search for something you like to do. the constant need to have a reason for everything. it hurts a little too much when your good intentions, turned out to harm another. to learn that the people whom you trust the most are taking you for granted. that there is no way out of your situation, yet you do not wish to conform.

there comes a time when the cognitive dissonance becomes too much. and after prolonged period of ranting to friends and anyone who would want to listen, you start keeping things to yourself. you really don't wish to talk about it. you keep everything to yourself, hoping and praying that perhaps, you might find a solution. you start doing circles in your head.

and that's where she find herself these days. growing quiet. growing silent. thinking of giving up the very thing that she loves to do the most - photography. why? because everytime after she shoots, the problems will flood back. and the bite is 10 times more than before.

she sits at the bus stop, watching as the last bus drove pass her. it's way past the time for her to go home. a 30-minute walk home, just turned into a 2-hour walk. the songs her mp3 is playing is just background music. kinda like those music they play in the shopping malls. random noise.

night joggers ran passed her. many turned and took a second look at her. she shouldn't be out this late. at this deserted stretch of road with construction going on.

but she couldn't bring herself to leave the bus stop. she loved the way her hair flies when the cars zoom by. loved the flashing lights of the cars. the noise the cars made when they zoom. love to imagine a story for each car. it was a temporary distraction. to distract herself from her thoughts.

and at this bus stop, she's nobody. not someone whom everyone counts on to be responsible. not the middle child that has to deal with everything. not the girl who is always expected to be happy. not the girl whom has to keep her emotions in-check. she's nothing. no strings, no responsibilities.

her handphone rang for the umpteenth times. not the person she hoped that will call. she looked at the number and for the umpteenth times, press the off button and threw it back into the bag.

she stares off into the distance, looking at the fresh wave of cars that's going to come when the traffic lights turn green. perhaps, maybe. this wave of cars will bring her troubles away.

Just that paragraph.

She pushed back her chair, stood up and walked quickly out of the room. Quick enough to get her out of there but not enough to draw attention. The wind hitting her legs and pushing her hair back. Those used to make her feel confident. But not anymore. Not when she was trying not to let the tears fall. So many impressions to manage. She couldn't take it anymore.

He stood up and walked over to where her date was sitting. "Go after her. Whatever you just did or said, it won't matter after that. Just go, " he whispered urgently in his ears while smiling at the rest of the guests at the table.

The date shook his head and waved him away. He stood there shocked. No idea what to do next.

(whatever. time to switch off the lappy and read.)

the laughing care.

"Stop it!" I yelled and reached my hands out to swipe him.

He took a step back, just out of my reach and continued to shrug his shoulders and turn his head from side to side. The very actions that I cannot do right now. URGH!

I grabbed the nearest book and threw it at him. Wrong move! I yelped in pain as he came running towards me.

"You okay?" he asked as he rubs at my shoulders, attempting to ease that "bundle" of muscles and the pain. His attempt to hide his laughters failing. Biting his lips to kill the smile that is threatening to creep onto his face.

I pouted at him and that made both of us burst out laughing.

"Silly girl," he whispered and pecked me quickly on the lips. As the laughter died down, we sat there looking at each other. His hands cupping my face, looking at me. His expression unreadable. The silence was nice but at the same time, I'm afraid of what's going through his mind. Afraid that those thoughts will bring an end to things.

"You do know that I can't move my head so you are going to lose in this little staring 'competition' that we have going on right?" I joked and stick my tongue out, poking his cheeks.

That disrupted his thoughts and a huge grin appeared on his face. "Whatever! You still can't do this!" he teased as he got off the sofa and started running in circles around me, dodging left and right.

I glared at him and growled before collapsing in laughter on sofa.

This is just what I need. Someone to laugh at my neck with me. To show concern and yet let me know that, "hey, it's no big deal". the laughing kind of care. it's that kind of care that got me through my leg cramps. and it's that kind of care that will get me through this neckless period.

the last summer (of you and me).

(the title has nothing to do with the post)

As she lay her head on his chest, he wrapped his arms tighter around her and tugged her feet under his. The familiarity of her smell - a mix of baby shampoo and soap. Her hands and feet are cold like always.

He pulled the covers tighter around them, making sure that her entire body was covered. It doesn't matter that means he is half-covered and that his nose will start running soon. As long as she's warm, no leg cramps will hit her and maybe finally she can sleep properly.

Her breathing slowed to a steady pace, the pounding of her heart is now a gentle thumped. She's asleep. He held her hand up gently to the light and see the ring sparkled. The ring she initially refused to wear. The ring that showed that she is beginning to trust him.

He was elated when he saw it on her hand. But as what he did the previous evening when they fought flooded back. All he can do is pray. Pray that what he had done will be kept a secret. If not, he will end up hurting her. The very thing he wants to protect.

She rolled off her chest and shifted to her side of the bed, giving him room to stretch. But tonight, he don't want that space between them. He moved closer to her and spooned.

a blue beautiful day.

sometimes, the hustle and bustle of life gets too much. everyone seems to be going after something. but what? a job, a career, wealth? do they really know where they are heading? why they are doing it? i don't think so.

but crowd effect occurs. because everyone around me seems to chasing after something, i joined in the race. but self-deception doesn't work for me. i got tired.

"You okay?" he turned his head and asked. Stretching himself and sitting up.

I nodded and forced a little smile before turning my attention back to the clouds that are passing by. A rare sunny day. A rare day that I have with him. Running errands with him, just sitting around and not feeling the urge to speak.

I may appear noisy, chatty, outgoing and airhead-ish. But sometimes, I just feel the need to be quiet. Not alone though. I would like to have someone beside me while I go wandering with my thoughts. Occassionally throwing out random comments.

That's why I am glad that I found him. He is the stand-in while she's overseas. I miss her!

"Look! A running rabbit!" I exclaimed and pointed to a cloud. He turned and gave me a funny look. I stretched out my legs and kicked him.

I know he finds it totally pointless and a waste of time to just sit here and stone. Yet, he knows that it will help me get over my lousy mood, so yeah.

- random picture that popped into my head. even though the first 2 paragraphs reflect actual feelings -

been a while.

"Hey," she said as she climbed into the car. The awkwardness creeping in, surrounding them. The anticipation, the knowledge that something will happen later. It hanged in the air.

She started singing. It seemed to be the only common ground. She didn't know what to say. Scared of saying something stupid. And he started whistling. No conversation. But yet, the awkwardness is ebbing away. His hand slipped over and grabbed hers. She smiled.

And so the game begins. This awkwardness that will be missed. Because it reeks of excitement. Because it's forbidden. This anticipation that will be missed. Because once it's gone, it's just plain old routine.

caught up in the madness to grow up. everyone seems to moving at an amazing speed. getting jobs and moving on. i think i feel safe when i am with you. but thats not right either.

Giving him up.

She pretend to be sleeping when he came into the room. The squabble was childish and foolish but she was angry. He climbed into bed and wrapped his arms around her. The familiar pain shot through her. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

---

She heard voices outside. Soft mumbling. But they sound urgent and worried. "What time is it?" she wondered as she searched the bedside table for her watch.

3am in the morning. Who could be here? She climbed out of bed groggily, stumbling to the door, opening it a little and peeked out.

He was sitting in the sofa with his face buried in his hands, shoulders slacked. The visitor came over and pat him on the shoulders. As if comforting him.

"I'm just so tired. I don't know what to do anymore. She's tired too. Her temper is getting worse. It's just stupid. Every time I touch her, I know it hurts. I don't know what to do anymore," he told the visitor.

He looked up and she quickly closed the door. Afraid of being spotted. Was that tears in his eyes? At that moment, she made up her mind.

---

"Wake up, babe. We've got to go. They're here!" he shook her urgently.

Her eyes sprang open and she jumped out of bed. Worried.

"Don't worry, we'll be okay," he assured her, forcing a smile. She nodded without saying a word and held on tight to his hands as they started running. As fast as their legs could run. As far away from their hunters as possible.

---

"Stay here. I'll be back! There's just a few of them. I can handle it," he helped her hide behind several large boulders and ran away.

She didn't stay. She crept out and followed him to the forest clearing. Hiding in the shadows of the trees, watching him fight. Clearly outnumbered. He was determined but it was no use. She knew what she had to do.

"STOP IT! STOP! HEY!" she yelled as she ran out into the clearing. The fight stopped. Everyone was shocked. Not expecting this. He was looking at her, confused.

"Well, well. Who do we have here?"

She turned and there he was. His voice was smooth, his skin beautifully pale. Walking towards her.

"I'll go with you. Just leave him alone. Promise me!" she said, looking at the man. She ignored the protest coming from him. Ignoring his pleas.

The man came up next to her and wrapped his arms tightly around her waist.

"Really now, princess? You know what that means, don't you?" he hissed the last part next to her ears. His tongue flickering out like a serpent, licking her ear lobes.

She nodded.

He was running towards her now. He was yelling for her to run away. Not to give up. But she was determined. The man swept her hair aside and buried his head into her neck.

He ran as fast as his legs could carry him. Towards her and that man. No, please. She cannot give up now. He knew she was tired. That she was angry with him. That she was angry with herself. But no, this cannot be happening.

He was almost there when he saw her body sagged. She was draped over his arms like a rag doll, her hair falling behind her. Blood stained her shirt. Dead. She was dead. He stopped and stared as the man brought his wrist to her mouth and forced something into her.

Suddenly, her hair turned black. Back to her natural color. Gone were the highlights. Her hair grew longer. Halfway down her back. The length she always wanted but never had the patience to grow them. Her back straightened and she jerked awake. The man laughed and tightened his grip around her.

"Well, well. Aren't you a beauty?" the man sneered and forced a kiss. She pushed him away and glared at him. "You'll get used to me soon enough. Come now!"

The man grabbed her hands and she yelped in pain as his nails dug into her palms. Punishment for pushing him away.

Before they disappeared, she turned to him. He was still standing at the spot where he stopped. He looked defeated and depressed. But she knows that he will be okay. This is the best. He can stop feeling tired. Stop dealing with her bad temper. Get on with the life that he was supposed to have before he met her. Live.

She smiled at him sadly and waved. Blood tears falling onto her cheeks.