Been a while since I wrote here. I don't even know if I will ever start writing again.

It feels like I have lost that part of me. That part where images will pop into my head.

That part where I still have the energy to link these images together to form a story.

But here's something that did come into my mind while watching a show. A bit rough, but ohwells.

Facing forward, sitting side by side. Shoulders almost touching but not that close.

Our conversation was random and short. Going on and on about the same thing.

Easy company this was. No walls were necessary. No need to feel the need to be upbeat.

Just easy. Comforting. Relaxing.

Stretching my arms, I stood up and took in a deep breath. Wrong move! "Ah choo! *HUGE SNEEZE* Crap," I said. He looked up with that semi-amused face and shook his head. I know he is about to tease me.

"No! Don't even start! I told you before! I warn people before sneezing! Don't!" I said in an almost whiney voice.

"But..but..Why do you need warn people? It's..." he replied, obviously amused and enjoying my reaction.

We've been through this quite a few times. We know the teasing and "argument" will go nowhere. But it's like a skit that we almost always play out. I know I can just ignore him, but he knows how to poke me. And I CAN'T JUST GIVE UP LIKE THAT!

I got into the animated mode that is pretty rare these days. Explaining my theory and when that failed, teasing him right back. And mid-speech with arms still in the air, a huge huge sneeze came up causing me to bend down.

He laughed and came towards me. I was about to come back with a smart retort but before I can do that, he sneaked a quick peck on my forehead. Shocked, I blinked furiously at him. Okay, this is new. But sweet. New. Weird. But not too bad.

Okay, I need to say something. SAY SOMETHING! This is getting awkward! COME ON!

I punched him on his arms and went, "Watch where you are going! Your lips just touched my forehead. Ewww!" I laughed and skipped away.

Sitting on the garden bench, swaying to the song that only she could hear. She waited patiently for him. The note that she left in his room, her first venture into asking him out. She had always enjoyed his company and vice versa. He is always teasing about them becoming a pair but she always choose to ignore them. Not anymore.

She checked her watch. 30 minutes late. She tugged her hair behind her ears and glanced around. Oh well.

The sky was getting darker by the minute. The fireworks were about to start. Where was he? Could it be that he didn't see the note? No, she saw him read it. She was getting worried. 1 hour late. She stood up and walked around the small garden. Except for a few homeless individuals, no one was around. She sat down on the bench again and waited. Drawing circles on the ground with her feet. Disappointment building up. Maybe she has been mis-reading his actions.

"Hey," she heard someone said. Finally! He's here! She glanced up expectantly with a grin on her face.

"Oh, hey. What are you doing here?" the smile disappeared as she realized that it was his brother. He has always been kind of a jerk. Always so competitive and rude.

"Cotton candy?" he offered and sat down next to her, " I am on my way to the carnival and saw you here waiting. The fireworks is about to start. Want to go catch it together?"

She sneaked a peek at him, wondering if he meant what he said. Don't look like it. He is actually smiling and offering her his cotton candy. She checked her watch one last time, took some cotton candy and nodded.

*At the carnival*

As they made their way through the crowd on the bridge, the firework lit up the sky in a burst of colors. She smiled but couldn't help to feel a little sad. She wished he was next to her instead of his brother. If he was here, she would be leaning on his shoulders. He would have stuffed her hands into his coat to keep her warm. And most importantly, he wouldn't be talking like his brother who is going on and on about how he had helped to make this carnival possible. Just shut up already!

As the fireworks came to an end, she saw a familiar figure standing at the end of the bridge. It's him! Did she get the meet-up location wrong? Oh no!

She raised her arms and was about to call out to him when she spotted another person next to him, holding on to his hands. The lady stood on her toes and kissed him before wrapping her arms around him.

She quickly turned away and when his brother saw what she's looking at, he commented, "That's E with his fiancée! What a lucky guy! She is quite a looker!"

She nodded and quickly wiped away the tears that was quickly welling up in her eyes. "I've got to go," she mumbled and ran away.

As he watched her retreating back, he pulled out a note that said, "Hey E, meet me at our garden bench @ 6pm! Let's head to the carnival! That's what couples do right?:P" He smirked and crushed that note. It took quite a bit of effort to make sure that his brother didn't get to read his message. Took a little more effort to convince him to go out with his 'fiancée'. But it was all worth it.

E has everything. Their father's approval. The looks. The brains. And probably the family business. She. She will be the one thing that he cannot have. The ONLY thing.

no more.

The video has been on loop since she came to show it to her. She switched off the TV and turned to grab her bag. She left the keys by the dresser and put on her old tattered sneakers, kicking outside the new ones he bought her. She doesn't want anything to do with him anymore.

She dragged her luggage across the courtyard and headed to the band's rehersal room.

"Hey, Mrs Band Leader! Heard you guys got engaged last night!" T yelled as she entered the room. She grimaced. Didn't know what to say. The very thought hurts. The lies that he told. She couldn't believe she didn't know. She never should have let her guard down. Because this is what happen when you did. Choosing emotions over practicality. How stupid.

"Hey guys," she gave a weak wave to the rest and head over to G. G was her best friend. The person she ran to when things are bad. When she was confused about her relationship with him. G was the one who looked after her whenever the both of them fought. G was like her brother.

"I'm leaving. Just wanted to say thanks. I'll see you around," she said and leaned forward to hug G who was sitting on the sofa, frowning over some papers. G grabbed her arms as she turned to leave, a look of concern on his face. Tears threatened to escape her eyes. She blinked them away and forced a smile onto her face.

"See you guys around! Jana!" she chirped as happily as she could mustered and ran out of the room. The cab she called for was waiting down the driveway. She grabbed her luggage and walked towards it.

-

He whistled to himself as he came out of the band's manager room. The tour details are confirmed! She accepeted his proposal. They are getting married! Things couldn't get any better. He smiled to himself and walked back to the rehersal room.

"Hey, babe!" he yelled as he spotted her coming out of the room. She ignored him and grabbed her luggage. Wait, luggage? Where is she going? He quickened his footsteps and called out to her one last time. When she didn't reply and start to walk even faster, he ran towards her and grabbed her arms.

"Where are you going, babe? What's going on?" he asked.

She turned around and the look on her face was one mixed with hurt, anger and hatred. She glared at him and shook his hands off her arms. Turned around and continued walking.

She knows. She knows everything. How or why, he didn't know. He panicked. He hurt her. Just when she trusted him. She found out and she's leaving. She's leaving. For good. Forever. He reached out to grabbed her arms again but this time, only got her left hand.

"Don't go. I'm sorry. It was just that once. Just that once. I'm sorry,"he begged and hoped that she will listen to him. He couldn't lose her. Not after everything they have been through.

"Once? Don't lie. I saw it with my own eyes. Many times. What was that you called me? Unstable. Ugly. Frigid. Let go of me." she whispered fiercely. Not turning around to face him.

"They are lies. She made me say them. Don't go, please. I love you!" he muttered, holding on to her hands tightly.

"Love?" she turned around and looked at him. "Obviously, that's not enough to stop you from sleeping with her. From lying. From everything." Once again, she shook his hands off and this time, she took out the ring he gave her last night. The very first time they had made love and she told him that she loved him. She took out the ring and threw it at him.

"I don't need your lies," she said as her voice began to break. Memories of last night, of their time together flooding into her head, mixed with images from the video. The video of him cheating. She ran to the cab and told the driver to start driving. She has no idea where she is going but first, she needs to get out from here. To a place where she can cry.

-

He bent down to pick up the ring and held it tightly in his hands. So tightly that his fingers cut into his palms, drawing blood. He didn't care.

He walked to their room. No, it's his room now. The place emptied of all her belongings. Of all the cozy little things she likes. Photoframes were emptied of pictures. The shoes he bought her, lying on the floor. And right in the middle of the coffee table, a box filled with pictures. Pictures that they took together. Pictures that are cut up. With her removed.

too much.

sometimes, it gets a bit too much.

the constant search for something you like to do. the constant need to have a reason for everything. it hurts a little too much when your good intentions, turned out to harm another. to learn that the people whom you trust the most are taking you for granted. that there is no way out of your situation, yet you do not wish to conform.

there comes a time when the cognitive dissonance becomes too much. and after prolonged period of ranting to friends and anyone who would want to listen, you start keeping things to yourself. you really don't wish to talk about it. you keep everything to yourself, hoping and praying that perhaps, you might find a solution. you start doing circles in your head.

and that's where she find herself these days. growing quiet. growing silent. thinking of giving up the very thing that she loves to do the most - photography. why? because everytime after she shoots, the problems will flood back. and the bite is 10 times more than before.

she sits at the bus stop, watching as the last bus drove pass her. it's way past the time for her to go home. a 30-minute walk home, just turned into a 2-hour walk. the songs her mp3 is playing is just background music. kinda like those music they play in the shopping malls. random noise.

night joggers ran passed her. many turned and took a second look at her. she shouldn't be out this late. at this deserted stretch of road with construction going on.

but she couldn't bring herself to leave the bus stop. she loved the way her hair flies when the cars zoom by. loved the flashing lights of the cars. the noise the cars made when they zoom. love to imagine a story for each car. it was a temporary distraction. to distract herself from her thoughts.

and at this bus stop, she's nobody. not someone whom everyone counts on to be responsible. not the middle child that has to deal with everything. not the girl who is always expected to be happy. not the girl whom has to keep her emotions in-check. she's nothing. no strings, no responsibilities.

her handphone rang for the umpteenth times. not the person she hoped that will call. she looked at the number and for the umpteenth times, press the off button and threw it back into the bag.

she stares off into the distance, looking at the fresh wave of cars that's going to come when the traffic lights turn green. perhaps, maybe. this wave of cars will bring her troubles away.

Just that paragraph.

She pushed back her chair, stood up and walked quickly out of the room. Quick enough to get her out of there but not enough to draw attention. The wind hitting her legs and pushing her hair back. Those used to make her feel confident. But not anymore. Not when she was trying not to let the tears fall. So many impressions to manage. She couldn't take it anymore.

He stood up and walked over to where her date was sitting. "Go after her. Whatever you just did or said, it won't matter after that. Just go, " he whispered urgently in his ears while smiling at the rest of the guests at the table.

The date shook his head and waved him away. He stood there shocked. No idea what to do next.

(whatever. time to switch off the lappy and read.)

the laughing care.

"Stop it!" I yelled and reached my hands out to swipe him.

He took a step back, just out of my reach and continued to shrug his shoulders and turn his head from side to side. The very actions that I cannot do right now. URGH!

I grabbed the nearest book and threw it at him. Wrong move! I yelped in pain as he came running towards me.

"You okay?" he asked as he rubs at my shoulders, attempting to ease that "bundle" of muscles and the pain. His attempt to hide his laughters failing. Biting his lips to kill the smile that is threatening to creep onto his face.

I pouted at him and that made both of us burst out laughing.

"Silly girl," he whispered and pecked me quickly on the lips. As the laughter died down, we sat there looking at each other. His hands cupping my face, looking at me. His expression unreadable. The silence was nice but at the same time, I'm afraid of what's going through his mind. Afraid that those thoughts will bring an end to things.

"You do know that I can't move my head so you are going to lose in this little staring 'competition' that we have going on right?" I joked and stick my tongue out, poking his cheeks.

That disrupted his thoughts and a huge grin appeared on his face. "Whatever! You still can't do this!" he teased as he got off the sofa and started running in circles around me, dodging left and right.

I glared at him and growled before collapsing in laughter on sofa.

This is just what I need. Someone to laugh at my neck with me. To show concern and yet let me know that, "hey, it's no big deal". the laughing kind of care. it's that kind of care that got me through my leg cramps. and it's that kind of care that will get me through this neckless period.

the last summer (of you and me).

(the title has nothing to do with the post)

As she lay her head on his chest, he wrapped his arms tighter around her and tugged her feet under his. The familiarity of her smell - a mix of baby shampoo and soap. Her hands and feet are cold like always.

He pulled the covers tighter around them, making sure that her entire body was covered. It doesn't matter that means he is half-covered and that his nose will start running soon. As long as she's warm, no leg cramps will hit her and maybe finally she can sleep properly.

Her breathing slowed to a steady pace, the pounding of her heart is now a gentle thumped. She's asleep. He held her hand up gently to the light and see the ring sparkled. The ring she initially refused to wear. The ring that showed that she is beginning to trust him.

He was elated when he saw it on her hand. But as what he did the previous evening when they fought flooded back. All he can do is pray. Pray that what he had done will be kept a secret. If not, he will end up hurting her. The very thing he wants to protect.

She rolled off her chest and shifted to her side of the bed, giving him room to stretch. But tonight, he don't want that space between them. He moved closer to her and spooned.