Just that simple.

He smiled and nodded his head in acknowledgement before turning his attention back to the discussion. Guess it will be another long wait for her.

She walked passed empty tables and into his office, found a place to put the wet umbrella and stood at the window. The swish-swishing of cars on the roads, the occasional honks from drivers and pedestrian scurrying on the street, trying to stay as dry as possible.

"I'm almost done. Just give me awhile more!" His voice was a sharp contrast to the silence causing her to jump. He rummaged through his desk, found what he was looking for and went over to give her a peck on the forehead. "Be right back," he whispered before dashing out.

Sigh. She sat down on his chair and looked at the clock. 7.15pm.

--

"And that's all for today,"he raised his arms and plonked onto the chair. Chairs screeched on the floor as everyone rushed to leave the meeting room. Brushing a hand through his hair, he went through the notes from the meeting again.

As the last light in the hallway went off, he looked up and saw that it was actually 9pm. Shucks! He grabbed his stuff and ran to his office. She must be furious!

"I'm sor..." before he could finish his sentence, he saw her snuggled and asleep on that tiny sofa in the corner of his office. She has tidied up his desk in boredom. On half-played game of Solitaire on the computer. Her phone on the floor beside her. Must have dropped off when she fell asleep.

She must be exhausted. From the messages she sent him that day, it sounds like she had a tough day at work.

Deciding that work can wait, he went over to switch off his desk lamp. Gently, he scooped her up and carried her to the car. The whole time being careful, not wanting to wake her up.

[going nowwhere]

out we come.

Are you coming? It's getting late.

Throwing the phone back onto the bedside table, she stared into the darkness. He was supposed to be here by 11pm! It's 2am now. Never quite understand why she is trying so hard at this relationship, should have just let it go. Frustrated, she threw her arms over her head and stared at the ceiling.

The phone lit up and vibrated, "I'm 2 blocks away. Practice ended late and there's reporters everywhere. See you at the same place?"

Yeah, yeah. What's new? That's always his reasons. At first, it was okay. Now, it's frustrating. She's always waiting for him. She pulled a comb through her hair and sneaked out of her house. He never come to fetch her. She has to make her own way to the park 5 blocks away. Even at 2am in the morning.

-

She walked quietly over to him and sat next to him on the park bench, not wanting to be the first one to speak. She's angry. Angry for having to wait on him. Fed up.

"I can't stay long. Practice starts at 6am tomorrow," he said.

"Right. Okay then. Bye." she barked back and stood up to walk away.

He grabbed her arms, "What's wrong?"

She glared at him and tears started welling up in her eyes. She don't think she wants to do this anymore. Not being able to text him, not being able to go to the movies with him, not being able to take photos together, not being able to hug him. Nothing.

Instead, loads of waiting. Loads of pretending that he is single. Loads of short meet-ups. He looked around to check for reporters before reaching out reluctantly to tuck a strand of hair behind her ears.

"I can't do this anymore. I don't want to worry about your manager finding out about us or worry about reporters or your fans getting upset. Or pretending that I don't know you. I want to text you when I want to. I want to hold your hands and take long strolls. Go to the cinema. Cuddle up next to you. I can't. I don't even know where you live now. It's like I don't even know you anymore," she cried.

A night runner ran past and he quickly turned around, keeping his head low. She took this opportunity and walked away. He won't come after her. But this time, she was wrong. He did. He took her hands and dragged her to his car.

They drove in silence and stopped in front of a house. He got down and opened the door of the car for her.

'This is where I live with the rest of the boys," he told her fiercely before reaching out to unhook the seat belt.

With a firm grip on her hand, he brought her into the house. Walked passed his groupmates and up the stairs. He opened a door and there was his manager.

As his manager looked up, he pulled her towards him and gave her a brief peck on the lips.

"Sir, this is my girlfriend. Please let the media know that I like her and plan to get her to move in."

something missing.

This feeling. Like I am forgetting something. Not like a book or anything tangible. A person. A feeling.

This feeling. It was there one day. Just appeared.

When a certain song comes on. When the breeze is right. When I walk by certain places. A smile will creep onto my face unconsciously. I don't why I smiled. But I know they are associated with happy memories. With that fuzzy feeling people feel when they are happy.

I tried telling K about it but he just gets angry and walks away. Like he is afraid that I will remember something.

-

"If you want to leave her, leave. Don't visit her at night or leave things for her. You're making it harder than it is," K said and pulled a hand through his hair.

That night when S brought her back, she had scars, bruises and blood was all over her. His kind did it to her. HIS! She was terrified and was screaming from pain. We had to keep her unconscious. Make her sleep. When the injuries were gone, she was still frightened. Always screaming in her sleep, locking herself in the room. Not letting anyone near her.

Gone was the cheery girl. Gone.

That's when they decided that it was best for S to leave. To make her forget and to leave. To protect her.

"I can't. She can't take care of herself," S said.

"Well, it's time she learn to, isn't it? Leave, S. Leave. If she remembers...I don't even want to think about it."

[going nowhere again]

Been a while since I wrote here. I don't even know if I will ever start writing again.

It feels like I have lost that part of me. That part where images will pop into my head.

That part where I still have the energy to link these images together to form a story.

But here's something that did come into my mind while watching a show. A bit rough, but ohwells.

Facing forward, sitting side by side. Shoulders almost touching but not that close.

Our conversation was random and short. Going on and on about the same thing.

Easy company this was. No walls were necessary. No need to feel the need to be upbeat.

Just easy. Comforting. Relaxing.

Stretching my arms, I stood up and took in a deep breath. Wrong move! "Ah choo! *HUGE SNEEZE* Crap," I said. He looked up with that semi-amused face and shook his head. I know he is about to tease me.

"No! Don't even start! I told you before! I warn people before sneezing! Don't!" I said in an almost whiney voice.

"But..but..Why do you need warn people? It's..." he replied, obviously amused and enjoying my reaction.

We've been through this quite a few times. We know the teasing and "argument" will go nowhere. But it's like a skit that we almost always play out. I know I can just ignore him, but he knows how to poke me. And I CAN'T JUST GIVE UP LIKE THAT!

I got into the animated mode that is pretty rare these days. Explaining my theory and when that failed, teasing him right back. And mid-speech with arms still in the air, a huge huge sneeze came up causing me to bend down.

He laughed and came towards me. I was about to come back with a smart retort but before I can do that, he sneaked a quick peck on my forehead. Shocked, I blinked furiously at him. Okay, this is new. But sweet. New. Weird. But not too bad.

Okay, I need to say something. SAY SOMETHING! This is getting awkward! COME ON!

I punched him on his arms and went, "Watch where you are going! Your lips just touched my forehead. Ewww!" I laughed and skipped away.

Sitting on the garden bench, swaying to the song that only she could hear. She waited patiently for him. The note that she left in his room, her first venture into asking him out. She had always enjoyed his company and vice versa. He is always teasing about them becoming a pair but she always choose to ignore them. Not anymore.

She checked her watch. 30 minutes late. She tugged her hair behind her ears and glanced around. Oh well.

The sky was getting darker by the minute. The fireworks were about to start. Where was he? Could it be that he didn't see the note? No, she saw him read it. She was getting worried. 1 hour late. She stood up and walked around the small garden. Except for a few homeless individuals, no one was around. She sat down on the bench again and waited. Drawing circles on the ground with her feet. Disappointment building up. Maybe she has been mis-reading his actions.

"Hey," she heard someone said. Finally! He's here! She glanced up expectantly with a grin on her face.

"Oh, hey. What are you doing here?" the smile disappeared as she realized that it was his brother. He has always been kind of a jerk. Always so competitive and rude.

"Cotton candy?" he offered and sat down next to her, " I am on my way to the carnival and saw you here waiting. The fireworks is about to start. Want to go catch it together?"

She sneaked a peek at him, wondering if he meant what he said. Don't look like it. He is actually smiling and offering her his cotton candy. She checked her watch one last time, took some cotton candy and nodded.

*At the carnival*

As they made their way through the crowd on the bridge, the firework lit up the sky in a burst of colors. She smiled but couldn't help to feel a little sad. She wished he was next to her instead of his brother. If he was here, she would be leaning on his shoulders. He would have stuffed her hands into his coat to keep her warm. And most importantly, he wouldn't be talking like his brother who is going on and on about how he had helped to make this carnival possible. Just shut up already!

As the fireworks came to an end, she saw a familiar figure standing at the end of the bridge. It's him! Did she get the meet-up location wrong? Oh no!

She raised her arms and was about to call out to him when she spotted another person next to him, holding on to his hands. The lady stood on her toes and kissed him before wrapping her arms around him.

She quickly turned away and when his brother saw what she's looking at, he commented, "That's E with his fiancée! What a lucky guy! She is quite a looker!"

She nodded and quickly wiped away the tears that was quickly welling up in her eyes. "I've got to go," she mumbled and ran away.

As he watched her retreating back, he pulled out a note that said, "Hey E, meet me at our garden bench @ 6pm! Let's head to the carnival! That's what couples do right?:P" He smirked and crushed that note. It took quite a bit of effort to make sure that his brother didn't get to read his message. Took a little more effort to convince him to go out with his 'fiancée'. But it was all worth it.

E has everything. Their father's approval. The looks. The brains. And probably the family business. She. She will be the one thing that he cannot have. The ONLY thing.

no more.

The video has been on loop since she came to show it to her. She switched off the TV and turned to grab her bag. She left the keys by the dresser and put on her old tattered sneakers, kicking outside the new ones he bought her. She doesn't want anything to do with him anymore.

She dragged her luggage across the courtyard and headed to the band's rehersal room.

"Hey, Mrs Band Leader! Heard you guys got engaged last night!" T yelled as she entered the room. She grimaced. Didn't know what to say. The very thought hurts. The lies that he told. She couldn't believe she didn't know. She never should have let her guard down. Because this is what happen when you did. Choosing emotions over practicality. How stupid.

"Hey guys," she gave a weak wave to the rest and head over to G. G was her best friend. The person she ran to when things are bad. When she was confused about her relationship with him. G was the one who looked after her whenever the both of them fought. G was like her brother.

"I'm leaving. Just wanted to say thanks. I'll see you around," she said and leaned forward to hug G who was sitting on the sofa, frowning over some papers. G grabbed her arms as she turned to leave, a look of concern on his face. Tears threatened to escape her eyes. She blinked them away and forced a smile onto her face.

"See you guys around! Jana!" she chirped as happily as she could mustered and ran out of the room. The cab she called for was waiting down the driveway. She grabbed her luggage and walked towards it.

-

He whistled to himself as he came out of the band's manager room. The tour details are confirmed! She accepeted his proposal. They are getting married! Things couldn't get any better. He smiled to himself and walked back to the rehersal room.

"Hey, babe!" he yelled as he spotted her coming out of the room. She ignored him and grabbed her luggage. Wait, luggage? Where is she going? He quickened his footsteps and called out to her one last time. When she didn't reply and start to walk even faster, he ran towards her and grabbed her arms.

"Where are you going, babe? What's going on?" he asked.

She turned around and the look on her face was one mixed with hurt, anger and hatred. She glared at him and shook his hands off her arms. Turned around and continued walking.

She knows. She knows everything. How or why, he didn't know. He panicked. He hurt her. Just when she trusted him. She found out and she's leaving. She's leaving. For good. Forever. He reached out to grabbed her arms again but this time, only got her left hand.

"Don't go. I'm sorry. It was just that once. Just that once. I'm sorry,"he begged and hoped that she will listen to him. He couldn't lose her. Not after everything they have been through.

"Once? Don't lie. I saw it with my own eyes. Many times. What was that you called me? Unstable. Ugly. Frigid. Let go of me." she whispered fiercely. Not turning around to face him.

"They are lies. She made me say them. Don't go, please. I love you!" he muttered, holding on to her hands tightly.

"Love?" she turned around and looked at him. "Obviously, that's not enough to stop you from sleeping with her. From lying. From everything." Once again, she shook his hands off and this time, she took out the ring he gave her last night. The very first time they had made love and she told him that she loved him. She took out the ring and threw it at him.

"I don't need your lies," she said as her voice began to break. Memories of last night, of their time together flooding into her head, mixed with images from the video. The video of him cheating. She ran to the cab and told the driver to start driving. She has no idea where she is going but first, she needs to get out from here. To a place where she can cry.

-

He bent down to pick up the ring and held it tightly in his hands. So tightly that his fingers cut into his palms, drawing blood. He didn't care.

He walked to their room. No, it's his room now. The place emptied of all her belongings. Of all the cozy little things she likes. Photoframes were emptied of pictures. The shoes he bought her, lying on the floor. And right in the middle of the coffee table, a box filled with pictures. Pictures that they took together. Pictures that are cut up. With her removed.

too much.

sometimes, it gets a bit too much.

the constant search for something you like to do. the constant need to have a reason for everything. it hurts a little too much when your good intentions, turned out to harm another. to learn that the people whom you trust the most are taking you for granted. that there is no way out of your situation, yet you do not wish to conform.

there comes a time when the cognitive dissonance becomes too much. and after prolonged period of ranting to friends and anyone who would want to listen, you start keeping things to yourself. you really don't wish to talk about it. you keep everything to yourself, hoping and praying that perhaps, you might find a solution. you start doing circles in your head.

and that's where she find herself these days. growing quiet. growing silent. thinking of giving up the very thing that she loves to do the most - photography. why? because everytime after she shoots, the problems will flood back. and the bite is 10 times more than before.

she sits at the bus stop, watching as the last bus drove pass her. it's way past the time for her to go home. a 30-minute walk home, just turned into a 2-hour walk. the songs her mp3 is playing is just background music. kinda like those music they play in the shopping malls. random noise.

night joggers ran passed her. many turned and took a second look at her. she shouldn't be out this late. at this deserted stretch of road with construction going on.

but she couldn't bring herself to leave the bus stop. she loved the way her hair flies when the cars zoom by. loved the flashing lights of the cars. the noise the cars made when they zoom. love to imagine a story for each car. it was a temporary distraction. to distract herself from her thoughts.

and at this bus stop, she's nobody. not someone whom everyone counts on to be responsible. not the middle child that has to deal with everything. not the girl who is always expected to be happy. not the girl whom has to keep her emotions in-check. she's nothing. no strings, no responsibilities.

her handphone rang for the umpteenth times. not the person she hoped that will call. she looked at the number and for the umpteenth times, press the off button and threw it back into the bag.

she stares off into the distance, looking at the fresh wave of cars that's going to come when the traffic lights turn green. perhaps, maybe. this wave of cars will bring her troubles away.